Carry the world

Long sotry short

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 21:14:54 GMT

My, oh my, great apple pie!!

It's been a long time, and I have to admit that my last post was a pretty bad update. I'm not proud of it, but well, I am half a couple, and couples argue over nothing. Anyhow, that's not why I am here.

I mean, I have everything, and nothing to report. Let's make it simple and divide it into two groups: things that are the same, and things that are not.

Things that are the same: Sam and I, living at home, disliking San Jose, stoner, drinker, partier, smoker.
Things that are not the same: I am licensed, suckers!, I work at Yamba Yuice, I am attending De Anza College rather than the over-priced San Jose State, umh... I have no money! Well, that's not exactly new.

Anyhow, my summer has finally finished, and it went with a bang! The gang and I have had a spot where we do 98% of our drinking. We call it the "Graveyard." Why? Well, it all starts with a friend named Crackers. He's called Crackers because he's white. He lives in Santa Clara, and if you sneak through two holes in two seperate fences, you reach a public graveyard. In between these two fences is this water pump thing, and we light fires, and drink, and smoke. Fun right? Yes.

So, on Saturday night, we went there, a drinking and smoking away, and we decide, HOT DAMN, we haven't been to the graveyard to explore in hella days! So we stumble around, scaring ourselves, and we go back to the fence to get through. Then all of the sudden, as I emerge first from the fence, I hear: "BUSTED. All of you, go home." I'm like OMGWTF, COP! But alas, it was not a cop at all, just Crackers' Mom. I was totally freaking out though, and she told us to put out the fire, and get ours drinks to leave. Later we would find out that she didn't even know it was alcohol at all, she thought it was just coke (a-cola).

Now it's Wednesday, my third day at De Anza. I am only taking three classes, and I'm here from 12:30 until 9:50. Cool, right? Not, no, it's not. But hey, who woulda thunk that my fav professor would be my math professor? How's that for irony? Oh, and Sam attends this fine school also, and we share a cultural anthropology class. Pretty sweet. (:

That is all, for any who read, and I'll see you all soon, I hope.

Jesus Motherfucking Christ!

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 04:54:18 GMT

I swear to God. Is this what I have to look forward to?
I've been dating Sam, only on, never off, since October 27, 2006.
When we first began dating, I had an early ass curfew: 930 PM on weekdays, and 11 PM on weekends. What we did until I had to go home was basically smoke copious amounts of weed, and have sex. We would watch movies. Go to Great America. Go to the Beach during the day. Basically, we did things that were usually, aside from weed, and sex, family appropriate. We did these things until I had to be home, and the second I got home, Sam would usually take off with one of his neanderthal friends and party. They would drive around, smoke weed, hit a party, drink, and do party things.
I should first and foremost mention: I LIKE PARTYING!
I like beer pong, I like smoke bowl after bowl, and I like dancing. I like swimming when drunk, playing ddr and guitar hero when drunk, I like listening to music and having conversation when drunk, I like smoking cigarettes when drunk, I like eating food when drunk, I like beer runs when drunk. I like being drunk, and intoxicated. I like being high. Basically, in all terms alike, no matter how you say it: I like to party, goddamnit.
So, why doesn't Sam include me? Is there a side of him that he doesn't want me to see? Does he not like being tied to me at a party? Does he think I don't like these things? What is it? Does he hit on girls? Does he fool around with girls? Does he hit on guys? Does he fool around with guys? What the fuck could it be? Why doesn't he include me?
Jesus Christ, I don't care what he does, but it fucking irritates me that he doesn't include me when I have told him eight thousand times, "Baby, please include me?" He also agrees, and apolo-fucking-gizes. It's not even like he doesn't want me partying, we don't have that kind of controlling relationship, but there's no one who fucking parties in this town. I didn't know them long enough to party, and even when I did, I had to be home by 930, or 11. Who's going to party with that shit?
For instance!
I go to Oakley, not too long ago, and lo and behold, the very night I leave, he goes and gets shitfaced at our friends' good bye party. I mean, I probably would have gone to that shit, but I don't think he would have done the things he did if I was there. It's like he feels ashamed of it, and doesn't want me to see. He partied, and drank, and smoke a shitload when I was gone that weekend, and I was fucking miserable in Oakley, because of the sheer shock that he didn't include a-fucking-gain. I mean really. For god's sake, why does he think I want to do only family appropriate things? I like doing those things, sure, they're fun, but all I want to do is have the type of fun that I have been waiting to do forever, because I didn't get to fucking party in high school. I was too busy being fucking hospitalized.

I've told him too, I swear to god, and every time he tells me he'll try harder. I don't think he's listening. He hears, but he's not listening. I knew this would fucking happen. I fucking knew it. I was hospitalized last year in February, and then again in March, two days a-fucking-part, and he was there. He was so sweet, and gentle, and perfect in the entire situation when I was fucking helpless, like a baby deer. A right little ol' Bambi, and he saw the whole goddamn train wreck. Now, I can't even say my stomach hurts, or is bothering me a little, without him going, "OMGWTFBBQ!?! CROHN'S?!? DAMNIT!"
I'm so sick of being treated fragile, I swear to god. Oh, I am so sick of it. And I'm not taking it anymore. I have never even hung up on Sam, for Christ's Sake. Never hung up on him, never really yelled. I've never refused to speak to him, or get really pissed off when he does stupid ass motherfuckign shit. And he's done some stupid ass motherfucking shit. Like when he went to a strip club, lied about it, told me I should go sometime to see the poor men shaking, and then fucking insists he wasn't looking at the naked ass chicks, but at the men shaking because they can't touch the girls. Like I can believe that fucking shit.

I just want to get stupid!!! Is that so much to ask? Why does everyone end up treating me like an infant!

It's been a long time, now I'm coming back home.

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 18:22:48 GMT

I've written up two different ways to begin this, and I can't recall a time when writing in Livejournal has been more awkward. The last time I wrote, I was talking about Sam, which coincidently, won't change much. We're still dating, and haven't done any on-agains, off-agains. It'll be two years in October, which is bizarre because time has flown by so fast. I wonder where it's gone, or what I have accomplished in that time. I haven't traveled, I'm not ging a hundred percent in school, I dealt with a deadbeat job for almost a year. Yet, it still went by, and while it doesn't necessarily scare me, it does make me think.
Let's see. I worked at Wetzel's Pretzels in Oakride mall from April of '07, until January or '08. I was a shift manager, and poured more sweat into that company that I got out of it. Not that I want their dirty pretzel sweat. Just a warning to all of you mall-food eaters. It's nasty. They have roaches, I promise you, and they rarely make new food. I'm not lying, I gurantee this. If you insist on eating there, eat it in the morning, because then it will at least be fresh. No joke, everyone.
Anyhow, I lost my job because I made $9.25 an hour, and was the least experienced shift manager, while I would have been the most paid cashier. I was also the best god damn worker there, and actually cleaned properly. I bet that place is buttery as hell since I left.
I graduated high school, and entered San Jose State University. I would have gone to Northridge, or Long Beach, but low and behold, I had a Crohn's flare up, and was in the hospital not once but twice in February/March of '07. It was a bizarre experience for me, because Sam was there for the entire time. Every other hospital experience, I didn't have friends who visited me. I wanted them to forget me, and not visit. I wanted to disappear, because I was in such a miserable state. I didn't do that this last night, because I needed Sam. He would stay overnight, until one night, at four in thr morning, I was having severe stomach pains that was commonly referred to as "similar to labor." A nurse came in with a nice shot of morphine, and she saw Sam. She asked if he was my brother. I said no. She screamed, and I mean screamed, at us about how no boyfriends were allowed.
It hadn't occured to me that Sam was my boyfriend, I just considered him someone I needed to help get me through this. What did they think, that we would go at in because of all the romance that every hospital reeks of? (Note, sarcasm.) Oh how teh iodine and alcohol wipes make me crazy, and dim the lights, move the bed, I mean come on. So, anyhow, Sam went home, and got locked into his bathroom, where he broke down, and had to have his mom call a locksmith at five in the morning, so he could go back to bed, and get up at seven to go to school.
Anyways, I got out of the hospital the first time with a double dose of remicaid in my blood, and wanted to be alone with Sam. Obviously, we took the first oppurtunity to, you know, and afterwards we smoked pot. (Which I still do, by the way.) Which would induce munchies, and cause another flare up. Stupid me, I know.
Went back to the hospital the next day via ambulance, and spent anotehr week or so there, and finally left. Haven't gone back since except to finish my remicaid treatment, which I just finished a week ago.

So, a lot has happened, even excluding the hospital experience, which I didn't even really go into. What's important is that today, I feel very much in love, and it has nothing to do with it being Valentine's day. I just had a nice night last night, and today I feel good.
Have a good day, whoever might read this, and know that I'm thinking about you guys.

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 23:30:37 GMT

I hate that I have an issue so common amongst girls my age.
I have Daddy issues.

He makes me really angry, and then he acts like nothing-
and I forgive.
Not this time, you picked football over
my last freaking back to school night,
and I knew you'd want to make up, and say
something like, "So, when's back to school night?"
And you thought I'd get real excited about you
going, and then ask you to come.
Not this time.
No.
I banned you from going.
You are not coming. That's final.
You hurt my feelings, and I am not letting
you get away with it this time.

Just now- just now you're telling me about some
band on the Greg Kihn show in the morning
and how they sang, "Chain, chain, chain, chain of fools."

You idiot. Can't you see how upset I am right
now, at you nonetheless?
Why do you think every emotion,
every thing I say,
everything about me is a joke?

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 06:33:38 GMT

Instructions:

1. List 1-30 things that you want to say to people

2. Don`t say who they are.

3. Make it in a totally random order. (ie.) Don't write to your best friend first

Your friends can take a guess if they think they know which number they are. It's up to you to tell them if they're right, but try not to discuss what you wrote. It's just better that way. If they're right, say yes. If they're wrong, say no.

1. I've known you a long time, and we met through a friend, whom
I am no longer friends with, as you are.
You saved me from a deep depression that I didn't even
know I had, until it was gone. You are still one of
the greatest people I have ever met.
I miss you, and the jokes we've had together.
I hope to come home soon, so that we can make more
memories of stupid things.
You are a big part of my life, and I love ya, chick.

2. I've known you a long time, and you were like a sister to
me. I looked up to you, and respected and loved you
like a sister. Then something changed
inside you, and you're not a person
I can love anymore, and I'm not sorry
You should be sorry.
I can't forgive you.

3. You won't read this. I don't even know your email. Let alone
where you are now, or how you are doing.
You scared me, you said you loved me when we
were seven, and it scared me.
I didn't love you back.
I still don't and I don't regret it,
because it wouldn't have worked anyways,
we're completely different people now.

4. You were my best friend a long, long, long time ago. I always thought
that while we were best friends, you were mean to
me until around seventh grade,
got mad at me, and wouldn't let me sit with you
or wouldn't tlak to me,
and I had no other friends, and thus, was forced to
sit with you, and not talk, and be invisible.
I forgive you for that, I do. I'm glad we are apart now though,
because I wouldn't be the hippie I am today
if we were still friends.
I'd be different, happy, yes, but not me, and I love me now.

5. You make things hard for me. You love me, and I can appreciate that,
and grow from that, but I can't love you back. We've never
met in real life, which leads me to thinkt aht you are an
old fat ugly bald pervert of a man
talking to me. You have such a great opinion of me, that
it makes it really hard ot be me. I feel the need ot be perfect,
and you think me a prude, but I'm not.
I'm not.

6. In seventh grade, you talked about me behind my back and
told people you didn't like me. I told you
to at least have the guts to say it to my face.
That lunch you did. I said ok.
It was okay, because I didn't like you either.

7. You taught me to give my opinion, I didn't know I could do that.
You told me my opinion was different.
I didn't know that.
You respected my opinion, and I can't wait to
go back and show you how well I turned out to be.

8. I don't think you like the number eight, which of course,
is why you are this number.
You are my favorite person and my favorite family member.
Which oddly enough, isn't saying much.
But still. We're so alike, and are so insynch even with
you so far away right now.
I secretly don't want you to be happy where you are,
because I'm afraid you'll move on without me,
and I don't think I can move on without you.
<pet>

9. I've known you a long time, and we while we weren'y very close,
and still aren't, we have a lot in common
I get sad when you are sad,
and read your livejournal a lot,
though I rarely comment, because I don't know what to say.
Which is fine.
(:

10. You taught me to be brave, and assertive, and I wonder
how we were such good friends
while we were so different.
You've grown into a great person,
and I'm sorry that we are growing apart,
but I still love ya.

11. I hardly know you. I saw you a long time ago, and looked into your eyes,
and thought what a beautiful person you must be,
but then I left,
and haven't seen you since. You asked
me to join the swim team, and I couldn't tell
you that I couldn't because of my central line, I want to tell
you now. But now, I'm still afraid I can't.
I check up on you on myspace,
but don't comment or messgae anymore, because
you don't reply.
I still wonder what you thought about me.

12. When I first met you, I didn't think I wanted to be your friend.
I learned otherwise. You are so wonderful, and understanding.
We had so much in common, and I told you, and only you, about my central
line, on the interet of course.
You told me about your secret, and that
connected us.

13. You have always been there for me. I don't think I could
live without you. I worry about you all the time because you smoke, and
I'm crying writing this. You've taught me to stick up for myself.
I love you so much, and I say it all the time, but I
don't think you know that every time I say it,
I'm saying it in case you die tomorrow.
You make me laugh all the time, and
we're so much alike.
How can you be so selfish to smoke
when I still need you?
When I'll always need you?
That I want you to be at my wedding,
and see my children,
and I'm afraid you won't.
My love for you scares me.
(This isn't you. It's no one who will read this)

14. You put me down all the time, and you don't
realise how much this hurts me. You never say
that you're proud, or tell me you love me,
or tell me anything good about me.
I tell you all the fucking time.
You don't appreciate me.
I need you to, and I hate the cliche of
needing you to, but I do.
You've almost ruined everything,
and I still love you.
I don't like you.

15. I've never met you. I tell you how great you are a lot,
and value your opinion. I hope I can meet you one day,
because you seem like a person worth knowing.
You're an awesome person, and I don't think
I can ever forget you.

16. You're so smart,
but you never try. You hide away in your
music and books, and I don't think you realise how great
you actually are. Your sarcasm, and wit, they surprised me.
I didn't know you very long.
I hope one day you embrace your self, and
try as hard as humanly possible.

17. I'm angry at you. I don't believe in you, even though
I think you are real. I think you left me behind a long time ago.
I don't see how you can exist while the world is suffering,
which leads me to think you left us all a long time ago.
Or maybe, you've stopped caring for us.
I wish I knew whether or not believeing in you was a
waste of my time.

18. You were my first crush. I let everyone know I liked you.
I dreamt of having your babies.
Now, I see you, and while you look the
exact same, you're completely different.
I can't love you now, as I once did,
becaus eof your stupidity and hatred
of people you don't even know.
It saddens me.

Ican't write anymore.
Maybe later.

Thu, 04 May 2006 20:32:23 GMT

I'm going to have a big update soon.
I swear.
With pictures and everything.

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 03:41:54 GMT

ATTENTION!
I finally plucked up the courage to change my LJ username.
Because I am that cool.
The new name is:

aintnodancer

ADD ME!!!

aintnodancer
aintnodancer
aintnodancer

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 02:51:25 GMT

I don't know if I like the new El Jay 'rich text' whe

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 20:10:50 GMT

HEAR YE! HEAR YE!
People with free ElJay accounts hear all!
For now we don't have to have only three user pictures, oh no.
ElJay has granted us SIX user icons.
In other words, YES!

That is all.

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 20:18:48 GMT

Ok so if anyone could be so kind to post in m_e, to tell them I'm back from hiatus.
I could have sworn I posted my return, but it's not there.
I have been voting and everything as well.
Uh oh...!

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 00:22:10 GMT

I have to go on a hiatus tonight.
Until who knows when.
When I get my internet is back I suppose.
I'll update you all tonight.
(:
Mucho love.

MUCHO LOVE TO JESS FOR RE-DOING MY JOURNALLLL!!! And fixing the mess... :D:D

::: FrIeNdS DoN'T GeT iT! :::

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 07:13:20 GMT

Special credit and thanks to

carina_icons & jennifer81 (or who ever made my icon I am sorry I didn't find out who)